M.I.A.

we just know it went something like this...

those that know me well- know that i have been known to dumpster dive. seriously- one's trash IS another's treasure! that is NEAT! but this time- it got scary....

we are procrastinating packing- because we're good at that. so it's already about 11:30 at night and we're just now finishing the laundry (you HAVE to do that before you can pack...). so it's rather dark and we're walking to the laundry room to get the last of what's in the dryer. on the way we take the trash (which we had neglected for about 2 weeks) out to the dumpster and we're heaving our obese bags into the overflowing bin and i noticed that there was a cat carrier next to the dumpster. SCORE!

now- Em's folks are moving soon and her mom needs a few carriers to get their animals 'o' plenty out to the new place so this would be great! so i proceed to move it with my foot to make sure it's in one piece- yeah, there was something in it and i then notice that the door to the carrier is open. OPEN! i start waiving my hands and back back backin' up- and we giggle our way out of the dumpster cubicle quick! so i'm more than a little weirded out by the open, definitely not empty animal container in the trash area! we're talking, we're problem solving, we're getting our laundry and going home! on the way back (keep in mind- this took all of 5 minutes!) we had decided that we were taking our laundry home and we were gonna pull some nancy drew bullshit- armed with flashlights- and go back to see what was in that carrier! you know this isn't going to go well!

Emilie- armed with, not 1, but 2 pen lights (there are those tiny lights they look in your eyeball with on the ER-esk shows on tv). yeah, she would totally get eaten by the blair witch!

Myself- armed with the light that came with my drill set that takes one of those battery packs and a keychain light!- ultimately, i am a matchstick brighter- because my drill batteries were not really dead- but dying by the time we get to the dumpster. that's right my light went dim before we could get to the fuckin' dumpster! so, we- in a very 'stand by me' stephen king moment- are going to see what the hell was going on and what kind of sicko would be so weird as to leave an animal carrier full of, what we could only imagine to be carnage, in our dumpster.

Em went first- there was nothing but a planter base and a cd holder.

no carnage.

no dead animal(s).

but it was a little hard to see over Em's shoulder- she's tall.

it came up twice yesterday so i thought i'd do some research and thought processing on it...

evidently the school that an acquaintance works at is considering brining back corporal punishment. i have some issue with this. i was talking with a girlfriend of mine several years ago and she made the case that if your child were about to walk out into traffic that you would need to do something to get there attention in order to demonstrate the seriousness of the situation. ok- so i thought, does tone alone not do that? additionally- does hitting promote learning lessons? i feel as though we have to seriously consider what we are promoting when we show that it is ok to hit- when you have a point to prove.

so to get to the point: i am anti-corporal punishment. i say this realizing- i have been mad enough in my life to hit... 2 wrongs don't make a right- BUT 3 rights do make a left. ok- so we are discussing corporal punishment and i'm making my case for not hitting and i finally parallel the idea of physical violence with children to that of women- it is (no longer) acceptable to hit one's wife (and i use wife in this context because even until the 70's women were seen as property and domestic issues with violence were often viewed legally as property issues- not crimes against persons).

ok- so i've thrown out this 'hippie-esk' notion of not hitting/spanking/beating/threatening-with-violence and of course the first thing that is mentioned is- "yes, but you don't have children of you own." one- i want to say, you don't know that and neither do i... but that's the sarcasm talkin' and that'll get me nowhere. two- yes, i understand that i am not currently in the process of raising children. i also understand that i have never been raped- but i can provide crisis-intervention to those that have with unparalleled dedication. i understand that men don't have a uterus and yet the disproportionate number of them in government and politics are able to make legislative decisions about healthcare that effects me as a women. i have to trust that just because i have not walked your same path that i can still understand what i find acceptable in general and what is acceptable for me. what is so wrong with NOT using physical force?

ultimately- HANDS ARE NOT FOR HITTING!!!

Texas hit 73,994 from 1999 to 2000. Does that seem right to you?

i forgot i wanted to blog about this. until i found the pics on the DCYD website... it was a may seventh... which would be seite de mayo, and it was the cinco de mayo parade in dallas. there were 2 things that stick out in my mind!

a- when they know you have candy- they will elbow their hand out in front of anyone and the suggestion of sharing nears insult. there were several not so pushy onlookers, i felt the need to give them as much candy as they could get in their hands.

too- the best, and i do mean absolute best... was when we start off in the parade procession- we are exactly one 'float' (not so much a float as it was a rebuilt truck) ahead of your favorite Republican and mine... PETE SESSIONS! The look on his face was priceless when he saw us pull in front of him... you can't see pete- but you can see the good times! there's actually one of me throwing the candy- i always get caught!

what if i don't!?!
there's stats out on pregnancy and birth rates. who's having babies, where are they having them and how old are they when they have them.

as par for the course... i am behind schedule. the average woman has her first child at 25. while i see myself as someone that thoroughly enjoys the life i am leading and finds joy in doing for others and knows that life has a lot in store for me- i continue to feel selfish for not wanting to have children. i want to pay off my student loans- not purchase diapers. i want to get in and do well in graduate school (eventually- given i find the courage to take the GRE)- not research the best day care at an equitable price. i want to teach a feminist theory to young budding minds in an academic setting- not teach my child that "no.. no.. hands are not for hitting!" or one better- "no.. no.. kitties do not go in the dryer!" better still- "no.. no.. fashion magazines will only make you feel fat!"

and only to lend to the feeling of selfish is what i came across today. that there was a mass sterilization of thousands by the government! it pains me to think about my life with children and for many more, it is equally as painful to imagine their life without children and thanks to the government at large- that harsh reality is theirs:

State Secret: Thousands Secretly Sterilized

Riddick was raped and became pregnant at the age of 13. Social workers labeled her promiscuous and too feeble-minded to ever be a responsible parent. So, after giving birth in 1968, Riddick was sterilized without being told.
She learned the truth years later, when she married and tried to have more children.
"They took so much away from me," Riddick said. "They took away my spirit and my soul."
North Carolina sterilized close to 8,000 women in hospitals across the state.

i have claimed for sometime that i had yet to meet a man man enough to make me want to have kids. and i guess that's still true, but man or no man at least the government hasn't exhiled my eggs--- selfish be damned, i'm barren- BY MY OWN CHOICE!

i know i'm on the right path when i feel like the work does more for me than i do for it.
and so i'll be working for this candidate should he decide to run.
he was a motivating speaker and had shared values. that and he name-dropped "Joe Trippi."
... that alone got an applause for Chris Bell.
We'll know in July if he decides to run! I'll keep you posted!

in case you didn't know...

now ya know!

Your Political Profile

Overall: 10% Conservative, 90% Liberal

Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

there is so much.
it started with a dead horse.
on mother's day... on mother's day- my mom calls to tell me that they have called the vet because one of the horses is a bloody mess and is in distress. barb wire is a bitch at high speeds evidently. so we talked and decided that she would just call when she got a chance and i'd head out there.
she calls around 7 and says that the vet comes out, does surgery (can you imagine what constitues surgery on an animal that size? it isn't pretty.) and evidently a hernia leads to a shift in the organs when falling and all the organs were sitting ontop of the heart and upon putting the animal under- the heart would not make it out- so they go ahead and put the horse down. i know that this loss is difficult for my mother- she loves animals and appreciates the joy they bring her. her loss stays with me.

i said something last night that hurt emilie's feelings and nothing got resolved until today. and i hate it when emilie and are not in sinc. it is as though one shoe is tighter than the other- you just can't quite get your step right. i want her to say what hurt her feelings. i want her to bring it to the table and not give me the silent treatment when i don't know that i've done something out of line. the uncomfortable stays with me.

i came across something on craigslist that i thought my ex would be interested in. and i want to send an email- i want to think that i might be able to contact him and know that it's not going to open the flood gates for how i abandonded him. i want to think that i can leave- on my terms- and not have to be demonized. this fear stays with me.

. . . "so let's start off by setting our eww-djeye breathing" is what wayne says when we start yoga. and i hesitate to say that i go to yoga b/c it sounds so.. so.. 'hippie-you-must-be-a-vegitaritan-activist-why-don't-you-cut-your-hair-kid" sorta thing... but i'm there.
so we start by breathing in- very deeply- so deep that your chest rises and it seems as though as it's moving independent of my will or of my body. and then the exhale is so long and so deep i forget that i'm a 'social smoker' and the time it takes seems an eternity. and this is the pace your breathing is supposed to maintain while you are posing and positioning your body in unaccustomed positions like 'the triangle' or the 'sit on your face'. and after all that- and shit i can barely focus on why my knees are shoved up my nose- let alone how deep to breath. but- after all that, and we are 'cooling down' and i'm sitting with legs crossed- hands at heart center, eyes closed- there is a purple color. there is an absence of complete thought and yet many thoughts all at once. ... ... and i wonder. . . . "are there are any mashed potatoes left."
not every thought has to burden me and i do let them go--- eventually.