if i could clear my mind- it wouldn't stay cluttered!
there is so much.
it started with a dead horse.
on mother's day... on mother's day- my mom calls to tell me that they have called the vet because one of the horses is a bloody mess and is in distress. barb wire is a bitch at high speeds evidently. so we talked and decided that she would just call when she got a chance and i'd head out there.
she calls around 7 and says that the vet comes out, does surgery (can you imagine what constitues surgery on an animal that size? it isn't pretty.) and evidently a hernia leads to a shift in the organs when falling and all the organs were sitting ontop of the heart and upon putting the animal under- the heart would not make it out- so they go ahead and put the horse down. i know that this loss is difficult for my mother- she loves animals and appreciates the joy they bring her. her loss stays with me.
i said something last night that hurt emilie's feelings and nothing got resolved until today. and i hate it when emilie and are not in sinc. it is as though one shoe is tighter than the other- you just can't quite get your step right. i want her to say what hurt her feelings. i want her to bring it to the table and not give me the silent treatment when i don't know that i've done something out of line. the uncomfortable stays with me.
i came across something on craigslist that i thought my ex would be interested in. and i want to send an email- i want to think that i might be able to contact him and know that it's not going to open the flood gates for how i abandonded him. i want to think that i can leave- on my terms- and not have to be demonized. this fear stays with me.
. . . "so let's start off by setting our eww-djeye breathing" is what wayne says when we start yoga. and i hesitate to say that i go to yoga b/c it sounds so.. so.. 'hippie-you-must-be-a-vegitaritan-activist-why-don't-you-cut-your-hair-kid" sorta thing... but i'm there.
so we start by breathing in- very deeply- so deep that your chest rises and it seems as though as it's moving independent of my will or of my body. and then the exhale is so long and so deep i forget that i'm a 'social smoker' and the time it takes seems an eternity. and this is the pace your breathing is supposed to maintain while you are posing and positioning your body in unaccustomed positions like 'the triangle' or the 'sit on your face'. and after all that- and shit i can barely focus on why my knees are shoved up my nose- let alone how deep to breath. but- after all that, and we are 'cooling down' and i'm sitting with legs crossed- hands at heart center, eyes closed- there is a purple color. there is an absence of complete thought and yet many thoughts all at once. ... ... and i wonder. . . . "are there are any mashed potatoes left."
not every thought has to burden me and i do let them go--- eventually.
it started with a dead horse.
on mother's day... on mother's day- my mom calls to tell me that they have called the vet because one of the horses is a bloody mess and is in distress. barb wire is a bitch at high speeds evidently. so we talked and decided that she would just call when she got a chance and i'd head out there.
she calls around 7 and says that the vet comes out, does surgery (can you imagine what constitues surgery on an animal that size? it isn't pretty.) and evidently a hernia leads to a shift in the organs when falling and all the organs were sitting ontop of the heart and upon putting the animal under- the heart would not make it out- so they go ahead and put the horse down. i know that this loss is difficult for my mother- she loves animals and appreciates the joy they bring her. her loss stays with me.
i said something last night that hurt emilie's feelings and nothing got resolved until today. and i hate it when emilie and are not in sinc. it is as though one shoe is tighter than the other- you just can't quite get your step right. i want her to say what hurt her feelings. i want her to bring it to the table and not give me the silent treatment when i don't know that i've done something out of line. the uncomfortable stays with me.
i came across something on craigslist that i thought my ex would be interested in. and i want to send an email- i want to think that i might be able to contact him and know that it's not going to open the flood gates for how i abandonded him. i want to think that i can leave- on my terms- and not have to be demonized. this fear stays with me.
. . . "so let's start off by setting our eww-djeye breathing" is what wayne says when we start yoga. and i hesitate to say that i go to yoga b/c it sounds so.. so.. 'hippie-you-must-be-a-vegitaritan-activist-why-don't-you-cut-your-hair-kid" sorta thing... but i'm there.
so we start by breathing in- very deeply- so deep that your chest rises and it seems as though as it's moving independent of my will or of my body. and then the exhale is so long and so deep i forget that i'm a 'social smoker' and the time it takes seems an eternity. and this is the pace your breathing is supposed to maintain while you are posing and positioning your body in unaccustomed positions like 'the triangle' or the 'sit on your face'. and after all that- and shit i can barely focus on why my knees are shoved up my nose- let alone how deep to breath. but- after all that, and we are 'cooling down' and i'm sitting with legs crossed- hands at heart center, eyes closed- there is a purple color. there is an absence of complete thought and yet many thoughts all at once. ... ... and i wonder. . . . "are there are any mashed potatoes left."
not every thought has to burden me and i do let them go--- eventually.
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on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 at 1:02 AM.
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