M.I.A.

I think that the only good thing crap-TV (the OC, any 'reality' show on MTV, the WB) has done is provided an outlet for some good music that would have otherwise continued to go unnoticed.

I woke up yesterday to the sound of tejano music and the smell of cooking meat. I miss the sound of stillness that can only really be found out in the middle of nowhere- but I really like the live buzz that happens in my own backyard. The more time passes that I haven't eaten meat, I don't miss it- but do appreciate the smell of it cooking. I may forever equate social gatherings with food. I may forever be welcomed by the sounds of a cute beat.

I know that I've explained some of the odd activities that go on in the courtyard here at my own little Melrose place- but between the huffing of spray paint and escalated drama (someone was yelling about the trash- which has disappeared and I don't know where to take mine now)- there is music out there. It's an interesting lottery of sounds, sometimes it's Etta James or Billie Holiday. Other times it's some painful classic rock or something obnoxious from 'JackEffEm.' If I'm lucky it's Sade, or the slower Sting.

When I go to sleep at night, there is something playing low and soft in the background. I've heard that this actually a bad idea, going to sleep with the TV on or music or anything other than the sound of your own thoughts means you're avoiding them.

I just don't know-- I really think I find my thoughts there. My comfort, my happiness, my sober reality, and even my car keys.

So- for the moment Frou Frou is in heavy rotation and if it can help me find those 2 hubcaps that were stolen off my car, well then music as a distraction be damned!

I have been working for sometime on a post about the fact that this is Family Violence awareness month. I like to use some shock'n'awe statistics and then wrap it up with what there is to be optimistic about.

I'm not feeling that way-

I'm nearly in tears when I'm driving to work this morning because there's been a tragedy in the family. My sister's friend slash boyfriend slash ex slash I-don't-know is going to have an unbelievably sad existence and no matter how shocked I am at the details of what unfolds, I find my feelings for him to be pity. There are so many secrets about his life, and I'm sure they'll unfold in a climactic Lifetime movie- but in the meantime. . . I have to wonder what happened that is so bad.
I get to work- dry it up- and I'm just so tired today. I'm just drained. I catch up with the Education Coordinator who presented to 6th graders today--- it happens, I'd say at least every couple weeks, when a student approaches the presenter and explains that someone touches them inappropriately. I never feel sad. I feel relief that they feel it doesn't have to be that way- it doesn't have to be bad.
I leave the office. I'm thinking about the day- I'm thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home- I'm thinking that today is the day that it is more sadness than I think I want to deal with. I think it's more than I can really ever get peace on.


So- yesterday, I got the word. I'm going to be Dallas County's new Misdemeanors Caseworker for the District Attorney in the Family Violence Division. (I will provide more information on this when I figure out what it really is).
This means that I can't handle the problem today- but everyday I am finding a way to be optimistic.

So last Thursday I went to the campaign kick-off party of a friend of mine that is running for Dallas County Clerk. It was a nice event at Zubar-- I hadn't been in a while and forgot how much I like that bar. So basically it's a gathering of people that know Greg, we loiter and then Greg makes his stump speech.
The part that really got me thinking was the speech before the speech. It was his mom. It was really neat- she made a simple quick introduction and basically spoke to what a good person he is.
I wondered who would make my introduction? Who knows me well enough to speak to what makes me the person to vote for?
I leaned forward- to who I usually lean to- and said, 'prepare yourself, you'll have to do this for me.' She said, 'ok, fine. but I'm totally telling the story about the time you got shocked by the electric fence.'

So maybe Emilie wasn't the best choice. . . we'll see.

According to the CCR (Conservative Christian Right)- Jesus is ok with young girls playing with dolls- but those dolls better not support reproductive health!
Girls Inc. Is an organization that supports and empowers young girls to be good people, women, and citizens. They teamed up with the American Girl Dolls and now the CCR is boycotting (uh, shouldn't it be girlcotting? Although that does sound like something done in a bar by a 'wingman') this union because it doesn't 'honor traditional family values.'
huuuuuuh- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Since when does advocating for reproductive health mean you are going to start having abortions and damning your traditional family values?!?
It just floors me- I find myself feeling so much pity for the lack of true understanding and a thoroughly misguided idea of what it means to want reproductive healthcare options. Does it include abortion? Yes. Is that the only aspect? No. Since when did we marry reproductive healthcare and access to abortion? I know I've ranted about my love and appreciation of Planned Parenthood before- and I mean it.
I wish that I could put on my resume that my beliefs do not speak to my choices. I wish that I could laundry list and carry around with me (because you know I run into the CCR rather often in my white-bread suburbiea work world. . . ) my personal ideology. It may be different than yours and still, I'm a good person! I want to see a world of well informed and advised reproductive options and if you need an abortion- you'll get one safely. I want that for you, knowing it is not a choice I think I could make for myself. I want a world where anyone can get married and do so with all the advantages and entitlements of marriage regardless of orientation. I want that even though I will never suffer from that discrimination as a heterosexual. I want a better world than this- all the while knowing that mine is not that bad as it is.... It can be better for everyone!

I know that it sounds weird but- I forget just how happy I am... just how happy I am when I'm with people. Happy to just be.

Cassandra takes all the pictures for DCYD. She's a professional and she really has a good eye for what makes a good picture- I continue to find myself impressed with her work. I'm glad we've gotten to know each other, what a joy. Check out the site- there's some entertaining pictures there!

These are from the pride parade- there are all really good pictures! I really like the one's with just the beads- there's one of a blue stained hand- yeah. . . that's me! Those effin beads were just melting! I still can't get over how hot it was that day- but we really had a good time.

Courtney and I were talking one time about the bonds that people share. She was explaining to me that when people share a traumatic event or one person helps another through a traumatic crisis, they have what she said was a 'trauma bond.' It's essentially a connectedness that is further strengthened by having survived something together. I know what she's talking about. Going further- I think there is something about being dedicated and the bonds that are created in the good memories too. I think that's why a song can stir up so many emotions like what was the first song you had with someone? (Alabama's Dixie-land Delight. . . hey we DON'T judge!) At any rate- the point was, I forget how happy I am- until the pictures remind me. I forget to be thankful for the solidarity I've found in, not just the cause, but the people that meet me there.

Sidebar- teaching 8th grade sexual harassment today. When asked, "What is sexual harassment?" One girl answers, "Dats win day think you a hollaback girl, butchu ain't." It's usually at that comical point I say to myself, very quietly of course. . . Ah- that's our future. That is our future.

I don't want to laundry list all the shit I have seen and heard in my time as a social worker that has made my skin thick- but I do want to say that I feel like I'm rather sturdy and difficult to move to uncomfortable. Today I was caught completely off-guard when my mother told me that my aunt and uncle are separating. I MEAN I WAS SHOCKED! I thought it was polite of my mother to say, "Ok, well- I have some news for you." I'm thinking she's gonna tell me my sister won a pie eating contest or ran over an entire class of children driving to school. He has, evidently, had a girlfriend and is moving out. I don't want to dishonor their time by saying anything ugly about him or using some stupid cliche like she's better off without him. None of that helps and it doesn't feel very good.
I want her to be comforted- but not at the expense of his discomfort.
I want her to know she is loved- but not because of his mistake, but because she is worth it.
I want her to know that it's not about her- it's about him.
I want her to know so many things that I feel, always and certainly now.

This is going out into the world wide web and I hope that anyone that comes across it says a prayer, or keeps her in your thoughts, or is just kind to someone having a rough day because you never know who just found out that their partner was unfaithful.



On a serious note though (because this whole entry's been upbeat). . . . Texas justice travels light and fast- I've got friends in law school, I'll find a way to get off!

. . . it's what's for dinner.

ess-aye-tee-you-are dee-aye-why...NIGHT.
I'm at home- catching up on being at home which means cleaning, changing sheets, letting the cats know that I still live here. I'm proud of the fact that I went to Home Depot today, bought weather stripping, and installed it. I'm so-o handy!

So it's a little after midnight, and I understand that this place is more than a little weird- I have to chronicle it more because it's just too funny-- like tonight's discovery.
I started cleaning up stairs- finished- came downstairs and made dinner (yes, when you are in your 20's popcorn'n'beer is a meal- AND IT'S GOOD!) I'm opening some windows, enjoying the quite and cool that the night has brought in. I can hear the apartment manager (we'll call her Polly) outside talking to someone and this is not unusual at any hour around here. I finish sweeping the stairs and before I vacuum I get my keys to go get my mail (which also gets neglected).

Background on Polly in brief: She is suspected by some of neighbors (not suspected by me- fucking confirmed on...) a crackhead. Now, we love crackheads- they get shit done when they are all sorts of hopped-up. YEAH! I have come home at the very early hour of 3:00 am only to find Polly rearranging the courtyard with a very determined movement and a slight bulge of one eye that is greater than the other. Additionally she seems to move as if guided by a force other than her own body- she'll lead with torso and her bobble-like head hangs on for the ride as she single-handedly picks up a bench to carry it. Like I said, more power to ya- your are getting shit done!
I open my front door and I see Polly (AND MOST CERTAINLY SMELL) her spray painting. Now, I enjoy being home on a Saturday night but I'm not busting out new projects that call for Krylon. The interesting thing is: there she is, spray painting who-knows-what (most likely a paper bag to put over her face but hey, we don't judge).

She is spray painting and smoking. Yes, Krylon black in one hand, Hand-rolled fire hazard hanging from determined lips. The bulging eye is concentrating on what's being made anew, the other eye squinting from the accosting smoke'n'spray.

Knowing that she's not going say anything to me (most likely because she is very focused) I say, "Hey, Polly. How's it goin'?" Looking up rather slowly, like she was reading a good book. She says, "oh, hey" and then realizing it was me seemed to get excited with the jolt of one shoulder, "oh- HEY, you should check out this awesome...." She lost me after that because the words seem to come out as quickly as the darkening paint. Smiling and nodding I get my mail and then turn around and cross my arms over my body and try to ration my breaths.
In slowly moving my way back to my own apartment, I said, "yeah, that's great. Well- be careful that spray paint's pretty flammable so watch your ash."

She then takes the cigarette out of her mouth and looks at it as if she had no idea it was there and I am clearly off her radar now.

It’s 10 to 8:00 a.m. before I roll out of bed, the fact that I have to be at work by 9:00 is really just a strong suggestion. I jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin’, out on the street the traffic starts jumpin’ with folks like me on the job from 9 to 5 (I’ll spare you the rest of Dolly’s greatest hits…). Now, Stanley (beloved feline companion) loves to sit right outside of the shower and then finds himself irritated when he is inadvertently splashed. It’s an old game- yet always entertaining when he looks at me over his shoulder as if to say, “huuuuh, can’t you keep that to yourself.” Or, “huuuuh, no one is impressed- cover that!”

Today was different---
I’m done with my shower, open the curtain, receive ugly stair, grab towel and begin the process drying…
BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP!
I’m startled, I mean IAM NAKED and there is a loud piercing beeping- which felt more like an insult than a warning. Stanley- jumps slightly, and then turns to give me the “you don’t have to yell” look. I throw the towel on my head and a robe on my dampened body and race to the small hallway at the top of the stairs and outside the bathroom door.
Here’s the fun part---
There is not one but TWO smoke detectors on adjacent walls (I’d never noticed and if I had I would have thought- ‘ah, that’s safe’). I stand there for a moment wondering which one to start hitting first (in much the same way a mother of young children wonders which one to beat first when both misbehave). So now the race to end the deafening BEEEP becomes a fucking popularity contest of which one gets hit more until the BEEEP stops!!! The culprit is found and with one final blow the BEEEP makes a sickening cough sound and desists! I am the victor!
I continue my routine of lotioning the body (then places the lotion in the basket) and put junk in my hair in preparation for drying and….
The piercing is resurrected! Now Stan’s just pissed and takes off under the bed. I take off down the stairs grab a chair and my drill- DON’T MESS WITH A GIRL IN A ROBE WITH A DRILL!
Placing the chair at the top of the stairs and mounting it with lightening speed- I give the screaming bastard one last bludgeon with the butt of the drill (yeah, I showed that smoke detector who’s boss!). This causes me to loose some balance- yes, I see the problematic situation of standing atop a chair at the top of stairs as my life flashes before my eyes… but blinded with anger- I just hold onto the chair. With a vizzz vizzz the screws are out and the screaming bastard is in my hand. As it came off the wall the 9-volt bully jumps out of the back like a rat jumping ship- but still connected by the cord. I go to remove the 9-volt tumor and with a final blaghhh (a far cry from the former BEEEP) the battery is in my hand and I through it on the floor in an attempt to separate my problem children. I set the smoke detector down and think that I would really rather have coffee instead of crisis in the morning but hey, we take what we can get.

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to thank Pfizer, the maker of that famous little blue pill, and- as of late... Z-MAX. Z-max (hereinafter: Z) is a one dose, ONE DOSE, antibiotic. While I do find this to be somewhat creepy (that something is in my system for 10 days--- working) I find that Z has brought a convenience and comfort that I am willing to take advantage of! Thank you Z, thank you!
Here's the better question- we have the technology to innovate antibiotics into one dose- but we haven't made any advancements in the fuel burning engine? Does that seem right to you?
We have Z but we don't have a way to feed thousand that starve- right here in our own country. Does that seem right to you?
We have Z but we don't have a fully functioning (or mandatory) recycling system here in Dallas. Does that seem right to you?
We have Z but we don't have a computer in every classroom. Does THAT seem right to you?


Well- again- I am grateful for my one dose, and I'll be even more appreciative when I'm drinking again by Friday. I just think some of our efforts would be better served in other areas as well!

All the best to future advancements in things like easy-to-apply eye-liner and the possibility of truly chip-free nail polish!

In Solidarity-
M.I.A.

Ok- so I found this blog called CultureCat, I thought it was interesting and was reading about her. She has a post- 100 things about me. Since a blog is nothing more than on-screen ego (either putting down what you think or how you feel- it is all about the blogger...), I've decided to put out my 100.
1. I'm afraid I won't have 100 things that are notable in even a mundane sense.
2. I love pickle juice.
3. I think I type faster when my fingernails are painted.
4. I keep a running list in my mind of people I would call if I got arrested, just in case- ya know...
*The list stays between no less than 3 and upto 5 (Emilie, Court, and Jennifer).
5. I am afraid that I won't have enough pictures I like of myself when I'm old.
6. I don't have enough pictures of myself when I was younger- I wonder about that.
7. I bought organic tampons and was late paying my phone bill because of it- I fear carcinogens sitting near my cervix more than the threat of poor credit, or at least I do now.
8. is my favorite number and I have a habit of adding numbers because I'm looking for my 8.
9. Music is a staple in my life.
10. I find joy in the most random things- one of the interns told me when my birthday is the other day, I almost cried.
11. My three middle toes will bend all the way back to touch the top of my foot- I think this is cool.
12. I want a big diamond, but I don't want to get married.
13. I really like my name and I don't care if it seems selfish or self-absorbed. I really like it.
14. Dating is a sport and I don't think I'm an athlete.
15. I prefer to drink out of straws.
16. I really like to be around people.
17. I like to put my hand on people when I pass them in close proximity- I think it's ok to be affectionate to strangers.
18. I like to smell my cat- he just smells like what peace would smell like--- to me.
19. It doesn't bother me to sweat, I don't think it's that gross.
20. Just thinking of Reagan from The Exorcist scares me, I mean it really freaks me out.
21. I wonder, often, if I really have what it takes to get into and go to graduate school.
22. Was a friend of mine's favorite number, we haven't spoken since high school, but I still think of her when I see the number.
23. Mexican food is my absolute favorite.
24. is how old I was when I met the first love of my life- I am so proud that I loved so much and know that I'm equipped to do it better the next time.
25. I prefer not to wear shoes- I find them cumbersome.
26. I act frustrated when I see that the cats have left their stupid furballs in places around the house- but really I think it's cute because I like to know this is their home too.
27. I like to spell things fun-ed-ickly. When I do that- I know the words appear in your head the way I would say them.
28. I love covers- covers of songs, I like the songs I like and when someone else sings them that makes me like them because they must like the song that I like, too!
29. Red is my favorite color but it used to be blue and I felt guilty for moving on but I'm ok with it now.
30. I seem to cry every time I move, I don't care anymore.
31. I enjoy unpacking- nesting- settling in. It just feels so comforting to make something mine- even if only for awhile.
32. Snakes really do scare me. I fucking hate them!
33. I think I look like my daddy and I wish I called him more.
34. I no longer want to loose weight- I just want my body to last and I wonder what I have to do to make that happen.
35. I thought that I made the word 'bulbous' up- I did not.
36. I like to brag about how long Emilie and I have been best friends.
37. I like beer- a lot.
38. I like wine even more: favorite white of the moment: 2Brother's Big Tattoo White favorite red of the moment: Red Truck.
39. I can think of few things that feel better than having someone scratch my back- it's awesome!
40. My mom will forever be the standard of what strength is- no matter how many flaws I discover.
41. I enjoy the multiple uses of duct tape. When I discovered the transparent duct tape- I was truly delighted.
42. I like the smell of floral-ie things as opposed to fruit-ie things.
43. I want my family to be proud that I'm an activist for good causes- but I'm learning to appreciate myself knowing I may never have that.
44. I have a tattoo and have never regretted it- the realization that I haven't regretted it reassures me that I make good decisions for me.
45. I like the smell of bleach as a cleaning agent in my home but never on my clothes.
46. I really need to work on remembering peoples names.
47. I will sing whenever the mood strikes me- and it almost always feels good.
48. It is hard for me to leave the house because I am always afraid that I am forgetting
something.
49. I do NOT think that having my period is gross, weird, or anything to be ashamed of.
50. I love my name and cannot imagine changing it and have felt that way for as long as I can remember.
51. I really enjoy going to yoga but don't feel the need to advertise because I feel like it is pretentious and so 'Dallas.'
52. I really want to grow my hair out this time- I'm going to do it!
53. I think Stanley sees ghosts. I think Othello sees them too, but just doesn't care.
54. Admitting that I need help is something I am proud of- it's taken a lot.
55. I like to decorate and I think I do so well- given the potpourri of items I have.
56. I really like my stuff- it does my soul good to see it in my home.
57. I cannot date another closed-minded, conservative, 'Republican,' that claims to want an 'independent woman.' I think that is bullshit code for, 'I just want you to have friends and not be so clingy.' huh (large sigh) get a dog, dude!
58. The Lamasil commercial with that fungus monster that lifts the toenail and crawls in- totally freaks me out! It is just so foul!
59. I can count 5 'M's' from where I am sitting in my home and I think that is Mantastic!
60. I wonder how I am going to deal with the aging of my parents.
61. Doors are unnecessary and I take them down much and often- curtains will suffice (this is something my counselor and I have explored...).
62. I do not consider myself religious and yet I truly appreciate it when someone says they will keep me in their prayers- I believe that to be powerful.
63. I know this world is a fucked up place and yet I still want to be in it- making it less fucked up.
64. I wish I finished reading more books- I'm so weak at that!
65. I really like to fly- I feel so fulfilled to be going somewhere or coming home when I'm on an airplane.
66. I think my sister's have an incredible amount of potential and I hope to see them find it themselves.
67. I have yet to acknowledge my step-mother's birthday and I feel some guilt about that because I know she has been good to me.
68. I love LOVE love quotes- I have a ton of them and love to read through them!
69. Molly and I, when we were in high school, used to steal shit that had 69 on just for the immaturity of it--- I still have one we stole from a Wal-Mart.
70. I keep so much stuff that has no value to anyone but me.
71. I think I do want to have children someday but am not willing to do so by myself (I think I would make a good mother).
72. The smell of mothballs remind me of my grandmother- and I like it!
73. It's no longer enough for me to be loved by a romantic partner- I have to be appreciated, I think that will be incredibly difficult to find.
74. The sound of people laughing is one of the best sounds to me, even if it's at me.
75. I may forever be a 'trichster.'
76. I am a night-person, NOT a morning-person. I think I got this from my mother.
77. I really do not care if anyone thinks I am homosexual.
78. was the year I was born and I am ready to be done with my '20's' because I want to be taken seriously. . . I mean when I'm being serious- which isn't that often so....
79. Incorporating song lyrics into conversations is a measure of whit and humor that I really like- like it? I love it, I want some more of it. I try so hard, I can't get enough of it. . .
80. The next vehicle I purchase will be a hybrid.
81. Peeps are from the devil and I hate them!
82. I do not believe in hell.
83. I like to drive with the windows down- pretty much all the time!
84. I truly enjoy napping, I think I get more out of a nap than a full night's sleep.
85. I think I'm forgetting some stuff that's should be in the 100- but won't make it.
86. When I think about winning the lottery- I think more about what I wouldn't do than what I would do (for instance- I wouldn't go nuts and buy a a lot of stupid shit, I will still buy all my make-up at Target!).
87. What I do defines who I am.
88. "Steal Magnolia's" still makes me cry and I will forever think that 'my col-uhs are blush and bashful' because of it.
89. I do love fluer de lys, I don't know why, and I don't want anymore.
90. Fast food does not appeal to me on a normal basis- but when it does, nothing NOTHING is better than Long John Silvers- ain't nothin' wrong w/ malt vinegar!!!
91. If the friends I have made in the past year, or so, are representations of who I really am- then I am a good person.
92. If the friends I have that are still closest to me are representation of who I want to be- than I will be a good person.
93. I think it's interesting that I cry at the most random, obscure times- and yet when the fan hits the shit and I'm mad or really hurt I don't cry. This is hard because this is why Emilie thinks that I am not as upset as she may be.
94. I'm a 'social smoker' and I don't care anymore- but dude, don't tell my parents.
95. I like to be wrapped up in blankets.
96. I think it's super-cute to see the cats come down the stairs.
97. Cotton candy is one of my most favorite things (yeah, I have a cotton candy maker- I'm not ashamed to admit it!).
98. I am forever late, times- much like speed limits- are suggestions.
99. I always questioned whether or not I would graduate from college and the fact that I did is an accomplishment for me, I hope graduate school proves even more to me.
100. This took me a week to complete and I don't think it's because I don't have enough facts but backaches. . . .