M.I.A.

It’s 10 to 8:00 a.m. before I roll out of bed, the fact that I have to be at work by 9:00 is really just a strong suggestion. I jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin’, out on the street the traffic starts jumpin’ with folks like me on the job from 9 to 5 (I’ll spare you the rest of Dolly’s greatest hits…). Now, Stanley (beloved feline companion) loves to sit right outside of the shower and then finds himself irritated when he is inadvertently splashed. It’s an old game- yet always entertaining when he looks at me over his shoulder as if to say, “huuuuh, can’t you keep that to yourself.” Or, “huuuuh, no one is impressed- cover that!”

Today was different---
I’m done with my shower, open the curtain, receive ugly stair, grab towel and begin the process drying…
BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP!
I’m startled, I mean IAM NAKED and there is a loud piercing beeping- which felt more like an insult than a warning. Stanley- jumps slightly, and then turns to give me the “you don’t have to yell” look. I throw the towel on my head and a robe on my dampened body and race to the small hallway at the top of the stairs and outside the bathroom door.
Here’s the fun part---
There is not one but TWO smoke detectors on adjacent walls (I’d never noticed and if I had I would have thought- ‘ah, that’s safe’). I stand there for a moment wondering which one to start hitting first (in much the same way a mother of young children wonders which one to beat first when both misbehave). So now the race to end the deafening BEEEP becomes a fucking popularity contest of which one gets hit more until the BEEEP stops!!! The culprit is found and with one final blow the BEEEP makes a sickening cough sound and desists! I am the victor!
I continue my routine of lotioning the body (then places the lotion in the basket) and put junk in my hair in preparation for drying and….
The piercing is resurrected! Now Stan’s just pissed and takes off under the bed. I take off down the stairs grab a chair and my drill- DON’T MESS WITH A GIRL IN A ROBE WITH A DRILL!
Placing the chair at the top of the stairs and mounting it with lightening speed- I give the screaming bastard one last bludgeon with the butt of the drill (yeah, I showed that smoke detector who’s boss!). This causes me to loose some balance- yes, I see the problematic situation of standing atop a chair at the top of stairs as my life flashes before my eyes… but blinded with anger- I just hold onto the chair. With a vizzz vizzz the screws are out and the screaming bastard is in my hand. As it came off the wall the 9-volt bully jumps out of the back like a rat jumping ship- but still connected by the cord. I go to remove the 9-volt tumor and with a final blaghhh (a far cry from the former BEEEP) the battery is in my hand and I through it on the floor in an attempt to separate my problem children. I set the smoke detector down and think that I would really rather have coffee instead of crisis in the morning but hey, we take what we can get.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 07, 2005 at 3:22 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.