M.I.A.

not to gender stupidity however- if a boy/man/MAN- if you will, has an online profile and wants to attract ladies/women/womyn of intellect, do not put an 'h' in witty- BECAUSE THERE IS NOT AN 'H' IN WITTY- THAT IS ANTI-WITTY! i would like to think this is the intellectual equivalent of talking w/ spinach in your teeth.
for the love of gawd- spell check.
(i say this knowing that a lot of times i don't spellcheck, yeah- BUT i'm not pickin' anybody up!)

for sometime now i have been thinking about what i consider 'deal breakers.' i believe i have come up with a short list. i was aiming for 5 but i come back to the same 3 everytime. deal breakers are the standards that i will measure each and every person to that is and remains close to my heart. i have, for as long as i can remember, found it easy to give of my heart. i find it easy and rewarding- and as i have gotten older, i want to do this more and more. i wish i could better explain this internal drive to give of myself for a cause. the comfort provided by my purpose outweighs the disappointment of, what seems like, an impossible task. i AM the change i wish to see in the world (have i said that already?!?) at any rate- am reconciling my love of a better world and exactly how much of myself i am willing to give for any one cause or person. with this i have developed my 3 list of deal breakers because with the realization that i will give unconditionally- i will be more selective as to who/whom/what i will let inside my heart. i have come to find that while my drive and passion seems unparalleled- my heart is delicate and i have to take care of it.
i am not going to tolerate LIES. things that are lies include but are not limited to: deception, manipulation, and certainly distraction with the intent to conceal the truth.
- i am a smart girl and i will no longer deny my inner voice, my 'gut', my instinct when it tells me that something is amiss.
i am not going to tolerate ADDICTION. addiction to porn, gambling, alcohol, anything- this is a divisive lifestyle and i have learned that i will never win and it saddens me that it must be a win/loose situation. if you are too good to confront your demons- i will never be enough to get you there.
i am not going to tolerate APATHY. this is a good one- and i considered not adding it but let us look at what apathy really is: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=apathy. it may be too much to ask that you be impassioned by something, but it is NOT too much to ask that you not lack emotion. my mom said one time, "stand for something, or you'll fall for anything" i know she didn't coin the phrase- but she knew when to use it.
so this brings me to how this list will help in the future (sidebar: i reserve the right to add to this at any time as i deem necessary).
i cleaned house today and it felt really good and i miss jake so much it makes my eyes burn- or maybe that's just the overwhelming odor of bleach. as i have outlined though- loving him takes a backseat to knowing that the right thing is not always easy. his APATHY to his own ADDICTION and LIES make the decision possible but the feelings just don't seem to be on the same page. so i clean and remind myself that this, like bad chinese food, will pass.
Emilie is on her way home to me- we are going to cook dinner and the evening will pass and i'll start next week same as the last and i'll take comfort in that 175 lbs i've already lost this year- he took up too much closet space anyway...

SEE HOW THEY MOCK!!!?!!! 

this is week 3 of training. let me just say that i love my job and i am incredibly proud of the fact that i am working for the cause. i can also say that the stress of planning and executing 4 weeks of training and 9 trainees is somewhat taxing. but- be that as it may, i love my job. i leave the office around 6:30 and i've been expecting a package so i go to get the mail. to my surprise there is a package from my momma!!!
sidebar: while i welcome easter- it is the onset of warmer weather, longer days, greener pastures- whatever. what i do not welcome is flooding of stores with PEEPS! make no mistake- I HATE PEEPS! it is unnatural and wrong but I HATE THOSE STUPID-ASS MARSHMALLOWS COVERED IN THEIR BRIGHTLY COLORED SUGAR. they taunt me, they mock me from the protection of their cellophane comfort zone. they stand there- so stoic- so malicious in there hateful silence and yet they say, "oh, i'm so sweet i'll make you gag!"
I... HATE... PEEPS!!! they force me to squeeze their stupid mallow-ie heads into an oblivion- i want to mush them all!
meanwhile- back at the ranch: i go to get the mail and i find 2 packages, no bills- and that is excitement. one package is a some 'count me blue' bracelets i ordered w/ proceeds going to tsunami relief (i like promoting my agenda and a cause) and then the package from my mother. i was so excited- it's been a rough coupla months and mom has been a rock, so i welcome correspondence from my mother. but would you believe-
SHE SENT PEEPS- SHE... SENT... PEEPS!
yeah- i pinched their heads- it felt real good.
i don't care much for peeps.

PPNT (planned parenthood) needed volunteers to be in home meet-up type videos. so i emailed and went today. myself and 2 other people volunteered to be there. one woman brought here little girl- it was the cutest thing, if i were going to be a mother that's the kind of mother i would be. i'd be the big pregnant with a homemade t-shirt that says 'mother for choice' or 'feminist in the making' well, we get the picture. at any rate- i am driving down greenville avenue- not really knowing where i'm going b/c i go to MY planned parenthood. so i'm just past walnut hill (which is now metaphorically funny) and there are some nutjobs holding up some hateful signs-- and were it not for them i would have gotten lost and been late- so to the planned parenthood haters- thank you! you lead me to where i need to go!
sidebar: planned parenthood does more than abortions- were it not for them i would have gone the last 4 years without a well woman exam- sliding scales when you're poor are an absolute must!
http://www.ppnt.org

tonight Emilie and i went to the grocery store.
i am so proud and some of this came to me while at the grocery store. i have a vision of who i would like to be and that person has the following qualities- she is not just confident, she is self-assured, she is an activist, she is comfortable in her own skin even when others are not, she has goals that challenge her emotionally and promote some change that she would like to see in the world, she is kind, she is funny, she is passionate and can inspire, she has good skin, she has a kind smile, she is fun at parties, she brings her own alcohol, she has close friends and not so close friends and is ok with that, she is automatic but can drive a standard, she is generous, she is conservative- ok not really, she has fun shoes, she can decorate, she is appreciative.
...and so these are some of the things that i aspire to be when i see a vision of who i would like to be. i had the realization that i am, if not exactly- then rather close to, that person. i am enjoying who i am and i find that i'm not the only one. i find that it is incredibly hard for me to right a resume, stroke my own ego, compliment myself- but when i think about who i want to be and checklist whether or not i am- it seems easier. my co-workers enjoy my presence, my friends enjoy my presence- they tell me so because they've told me so recently due to my failed relationship prompted absence, my parents have told me so, and my best friend- she tells me so.
Emilie and i are at the grocery store and she is picking among the fruits, and i'm wandering about and i see these corn chips- il miligorna... something en espanol that i don't remember. i remember jake and i buying some when we went camping and how we ate the whole bag, i probably ate the whole bag... and i got a little sad. and this is where my heart came through for me. it was a bittersweet memory- camping, but in these initial 'readjusting' weeks (or as i like to call it- 'post shitstorm times') Emilie has been a constant present- sometimes calm, sometimes fun, or exciting, and sometimes a carefully listening comfort. it's as i'm staring at the chips, picking my lip, curling my arms close to my chest, trying to will myself away from staring into the bag of cornchips that have now become so nostalgic- i turn around and i felt so comforted by my best of some 18 years now. and i think i'm comforted because she says, "oh wow, there are even more apples on this side!" yup, it's not a pity party when your best friend is getting pumped about the selection of apples at kroger. yeah- we got fuji's. i love, love, love my best friend- and there has been more than one occasion when i know there is a god, God, gawd, because we are together and i know that we, i am truly blessed to have a part of your heart and that you have a part of mine.
and so there's that.

well. welcome. welcome to my slice of the internet. this is not my first blog, but i'm hoping that this one will sustain.
there are a few things to explain. i don't care to waste my time w/ the shift key too much. i, unless the emphasis is necessary, have abandonded the capital letters. this is not g-rated. life does not filter and i am going to approach my personal journal as such too, as madona said (and i don't make a habit of quoting her....) if i'm too strong for some people- that's their problem.
finally- i would like to address the site name- she-how-she-runs.... when i sit here in my space thinking about where i would like to be 5, 10, 15 years from now i am filled with complete uncertainty. i know i want to run for a political office, i don't know if it will work out. i know i want to go to graduate school, i don't know if it will work out. i know that whatever i do, i will be running something and i am interested to see how she (me) will do it. so as long as there's something nagging at me, inequality... injustice...patriarchy... i'll be forced to run.
and so there's that....
until next blog- remember, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
mMm