M.I.A.

We (being me and whoever I ask, usually Emilie) play this game called HiLow. You talk about the high point of your day and the low point of your day. It has been a bitch of a week and I'm grateful that the only people I work with tomorrow are volunteers because they truly want to be there. I love love love training, don't stop me if I've said this before but, I feel most myself when I get to interact with people in training. It is so fullfilling. I feel good about the contribution I make to this world by the work that I do. I get an unexplainable satisfaction out of going to the hospital and supporting whatever decision a survivor makes, even when that decision is to not have a rape-kit because that is best decision for her and she made it on her own. When I leave the hospital, she is in a better place. I get the joy of working with interns that have enjoyed their work because they say I make the work fun and rewarding: and they really aren't getting paid anything- and yet they come back so, it must be true. I am proud that I stay politically active, especially when it's so hard to do in a red state. I am pleasently surprised that I not only know what I'm talking about- but get taken seriously because I know what I'm talking about.

The Low blow comes when a volunteer struggles through class becuase we talk about things that are so personal to her- as a woman -as a survivor of sexual violence -as a mother, of daughters, she doesn't want any of what we talk about for them. That same difficulty hits me equally as hard when that same suffering survivor from Wednesday attempt suicide on Thursday because her perptrator works with her and she doesn't feel like she has any other choice. Her parents couldn't be contacted while on vacation. It's so hard to keep in mind that my work is meaningful and has an impact when my director frustrates me because she is only an adequet manager and certanly a failure as a leader- if you are going to shoot me down, at least give me alternatives: she offers exactly what she has, which is nothing. If I leave because I can't work with her- I am leaving volunteers, interns, co-workers, and most importantly: my cause- all that dissappoints me to tears. I like the group that I run with politically- with that, I don't think that's wise to date anyone in the group because if it went bad: he would have to leave. That's not fair and I don't care. But if that's the lowest of that: I'm doing good.

I have resigned myself to the idea that I may forever be in the bittersweet struggle because even when it is hard- I find it hard seeing myself not working to change a system that isn't working for everyone.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 29, 2005 at 7:25 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.