"Oh, thank you. I love my shame with a side of pity."
It never seems to sit well with me and I've made amends with myself that it doesn't have to.
Anytime the conversation of children manages to come up in public I find that my views are quickly quelled with a tilted head and condescending tone of, "Oh, you'll change your mind" or, "Oh, you just haven't met the right man." While both of those are possibilities- I promptly want to ask that tilted head I-know-better-than-you-tone person promptly blow it out their ass!
I do not want to birth any babies from my body. Not today, not yesterday, and I see the possibility in the future rather slim. Now, and don't stop me if you've already heard it from me, I have yet to meet a man man-enough to make me want to have babies. That being said- I may change my mind- I have one so it could happen! I would like to see myself maybe as a foster-parent when I'm ready to have a more consistent lifestyle- I don't really know.
So why is the default TO have kids.
Why don't we shame would-be mothers when they lament their fantasy about the joys (forgetting the woes) of care giving coupled with the boundless gratitude of children.
When a young woman says that she wants to have children- where is the condescending "oh, you just haven't gotten to know that loser you're dating" OR "Really, aren't you a little young and co-dependent to be making such a big commitment?" No, no- none of that. Instead we encourage this journey of self-sacrifice and offer tips on loosing the 'baby-fat' after you just birthed a body from your own. While all that's good and this is no attempt at alienating my sisters with little units- this is a cry for equity.
This is my stand on shirking the shame of choosing to remain child free.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting a baby now... or possibly ever.
There is no pity to be had over seeing an aged future of myself without adult children--- there is however plenty responsibility in knowing that having them too soon (or sometimes at all) means that you screwed someones life up because you gave in to the default of procreation pressure!
Do not tell me I will change my mind- I know I will. On many things, maybe even this (although I seriously doubt it). I am not the freak show for forgoing the child course. I am- no matter what my shrink tells you, the healthy option in people that are only having children because they truly want to parent.
The next time you hear that someone doesn't want children- praise them. Let them know that is a brave, often times uncommon decision that is worth serious consideration. Maybe they can't have kids, maybe they are too selfish and they recognize that.
The next time you hear that someone does want to have children- question them. Ask them if they have given enough consideration to what kind of responsibility that is and is their relationship (if they're in one) substantive enough? Tip- if you can't decide on where to eat dinner, productively raising a child will be a challenge.
I would spend this last paragraph gushing about how much I really do value children- but I don't have to. My stand on not being pressured into making any is testament enough.
Anytime the conversation of children manages to come up in public I find that my views are quickly quelled with a tilted head and condescending tone of, "Oh, you'll change your mind" or, "Oh, you just haven't met the right man." While both of those are possibilities- I promptly want to ask that tilted head I-know-better-than-you-tone person promptly blow it out their ass!
I do not want to birth any babies from my body. Not today, not yesterday, and I see the possibility in the future rather slim. Now, and don't stop me if you've already heard it from me, I have yet to meet a man man-enough to make me want to have babies. That being said- I may change my mind- I have one so it could happen! I would like to see myself maybe as a foster-parent when I'm ready to have a more consistent lifestyle- I don't really know.
So why is the default TO have kids.
Why don't we shame would-be mothers when they lament their fantasy about the joys (forgetting the woes) of care giving coupled with the boundless gratitude of children.
When a young woman says that she wants to have children- where is the condescending "oh, you just haven't gotten to know that loser you're dating" OR "Really, aren't you a little young and co-dependent to be making such a big commitment?" No, no- none of that. Instead we encourage this journey of self-sacrifice and offer tips on loosing the 'baby-fat' after you just birthed a body from your own. While all that's good and this is no attempt at alienating my sisters with little units- this is a cry for equity.
This is my stand on shirking the shame of choosing to remain child free.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting a baby now... or possibly ever.
There is no pity to be had over seeing an aged future of myself without adult children--- there is however plenty responsibility in knowing that having them too soon (or sometimes at all) means that you screwed someones life up because you gave in to the default of procreation pressure!
Do not tell me I will change my mind- I know I will. On many things, maybe even this (although I seriously doubt it). I am not the freak show for forgoing the child course. I am- no matter what my shrink tells you, the healthy option in people that are only having children because they truly want to parent.
The next time you hear that someone doesn't want children- praise them. Let them know that is a brave, often times uncommon decision that is worth serious consideration. Maybe they can't have kids, maybe they are too selfish and they recognize that.
The next time you hear that someone does want to have children- question them. Ask them if they have given enough consideration to what kind of responsibility that is and is their relationship (if they're in one) substantive enough? Tip- if you can't decide on where to eat dinner, productively raising a child will be a challenge.
I would spend this last paragraph gushing about how much I really do value children- but I don't have to. My stand on not being pressured into making any is testament enough.
This entry was posted
on Monday, February 05, 2007 at 12:07 PM.
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Preach on... What a brave and thoughtful post, lady. I would like to suggest the same principles apply to the not-so-subtle societal pressure to partner -- wait -- not partner MARRY. (That is of course if you are hetero. God forbid those gay folks want to commit. Whole other rant....) Besos!
People need to stop assuming that their way of life is the way everyone should live! Imagine how wonderful the world could be if every child on this planet was truly wanted and planned...Great post!
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